I’ve been a mom for four short years already. I struggle constantly in a state of trying to be appreciative of the phase of life I’m in and wishing things were a bit easier.  It’s a strange paradigm as a mother, and father too, knowing that these phases of childhood are fleeting.  That while so many firsts are happening, there are also so many lasts happening on a regular basis.  When will it be the last time that they ask to mow as soon as they wake up? The last time that their little voice sounds so high and innocent?  The last time that they tell you that you’re beautiful totally unprompted with your hair in a three day old mom bun, a stress pimple on your chin, and spit up on your clothes?  The last time that they ask you to tickle them until their stomach hurts and they beg you to stop?  The last time that they sign “I love you” instead of saying it with words?  It’s a struggle to live presently as their mama knowing that childhood goes so quickly.  To hold on to the sweetness of their little souls and moments of time in their lives knowing that they will never be like this again.  But to also feel the yearn for some of the ease that comes with growing up.  Looking forward to the times that they can pack their own bag for swim lesson and dress themselves.  A time when they pick up their own plate after meals and the messes they make.

I hear moms farther along in their motherhood journey remind me frequently, “Oh, it goes so fast!  Enjoy it!”  And I do enjoy it, and try to remember those words when I feel myself getting frustrated desperately wanting to just sit down at the end of the day and to eat a bowl of ice cream in silence, but the oldest is negotiating for the fifth time that night how many cars he can take to bed.  I don’t know that it’s a balance that I’m talking about.  No, it’s not a balance of the two.  I think the words of wiser mothers are profoundly true. There’s evidence of that each day when I watch the videos and look at the pictures that pop up in my memories on that same day last year…and the year before that…and the year before that.  How quickly these little boys are growing and changing.

I know these years are short.  But these days feel so so so long sometimes.  And that the words to “cherish the time” doesn’t drive away the worries in this season of meeting baby milestones, the lack of sleep, or longing for more “alone time.”

It’s a season, like all things.  And in this season, I’m going to allow myself to feel both things.  The joy that comes with being a mama of little boys who trust you as their whole wonderful world right now, and I’m also going to know that the season is coming where I’m not their whole world, and the alone time will come.  And I’ll look forward to the more rare dinners as a family, and visits home to see mom.  They are both beautiful seasons of life.  Knowing that I will miss this season is just confirmation of the love and fullness that this season has already brought into my life.  And isn’t that always a great fortune?  To be in a season of life you already know you love so much that you know you will look back and miss it? That’s special.  The already knowing that you are living in a moment of time that you will look back and miss someday.

Sincerely,

Your fellow mom