I married a good guy. Nathan sat down with me back around the Christmas holiday, as I spiraled down on my to-do list, and feelings of being overwhelmed, compounding with thoughts that I wasn’t being the best mom I could be to the boys. And said, quite simply, “I need you to be happy. If you’re happy, I’m happy, and the boys are happy. So what’s missing for you right now?”
And let me tell you, I wasn’t prepared to answer the question. The truth was, I needed more time for Lauren things, and secondary to that, to not feel guilty about it.
My husband is so good about encouraging time for myself. Want to go for a happy hour with girlfriends? ‘Absolutely, that’s a great idea.’ Want to go on a girls only trip? ‘You should definitely do it!’ Going for a massage or facial? ‘That’s great. Good for you!’ He so easily encourages all of these things, and quite frankly I can’t say that vice versa is always true, but I am getting better!
Here’s what happens, though, when I go and do those things. I enjoy it immensely, and at the same time, fret about how it’s taking away from my family, and putting a burden on Nathan. I’ve asked Nathan before if he ever feels that way. And you know what, he never feels like that. About either him being gone with his friends, or me being gone. When Nathan is out watching a football game at the bar with his friends, does he ever think to himself, ‘I should be home with the boys. They’re missing playing soccer for the millioneth hour of the day with me.’ No. Never. And he comes home recharged and excited to be with us again.
Why does my brain work like this? Why do so many of our mama brains work like this? The feeling that I must constantly be pouring myself out for my family and serving them, without ever deserving truly a moment for myself.
What would it take to flip the script? To instead see it as a chance to recharge so I can bring home more energy and joy to my little boys and husband. That I’m a better mom and wife when my own cup is full and not running on fumes.
I’ve challenged myself to actively change my mindset about time away from my boys. To (1) actively plan it, and (2) actively be a part of enjoying it.
I started adding one self-care thing a week. Just some ideas of what I’ve added: a facial, a trip to the garden center by myself, happy hour with a friend, picking up a favorite lunch from a place that Nathan and the boys don’t like to eat at, sitting on my couch and doing nothing during the boys’ naptime during the weekend except watching a favorite show.
I don’t always get one a week, but I really try.
And the second part, which is harder, is to tell myself to be present. That before walking into that event, or ordering that special lunch, to remind myself that doing something nice or caring for myself in turn makes me a better mom and wife. And that I deserve that pause in the day that’s for no one else but myself.
Tell me, are you good about taking time for yourself? Or do you find yourself feeling guilty for it?
I like this. I too have a good husband who encourages me to do stuff by myself or with friends, but I sometimes feel guilty about it too. I don’t know why we are like that! I try to think about as though I miss them and wish they were here (like when I’m travelling to a fun city without them) rather than feeling guilty about being away. I shift it a bit to take the burden off of me. And I know they are having fun with whatever they are doing and don’t really miss me too much. *shrug* whatever works!
That’s such a smart mindset shift!
Love this post. Thanks for sharing your heart. Mom guilt is real. I started getting up before everyone else years ago because I needed that quiet “me” time. I went for my monthly facial last week and was talking to another friend about how I used to feel guilty spending that time / money on myself …but not anymore. You are right…we pour so much of ourselves into the rest of the family, that we deserve some time to / for ourselves. I am constantly working on being present too.
Love to hear that you don’t feel guilty about getting that “you” time anymore. I’m getting there, for sure, but still see that guilt creep in sometimes.
Well, now it’s super easy to find me time and not feel guilty but I definitely struggled with that when my kids were little.
I always think about that, too, how things will look very different in future seasons of life.