How to feed your baby always feels like a bit of a touchy subject. Somehow, in my generation, there has been engrained a sense of failure if we can’t breastfeed our babies. Or even more so, shame if we don’t WANT to breastfeed our babies. Over the course of the past five years of having little babies that I’ve been entrusted to nourish and grow, I have seen great strides made in trying to walk back this shame and sense of failure. It’s a bit like undoing the complete mental jungle gym we got wrapped up in as teenagers of having a certain body type, clothes, etc, to fit in. But I can see that progress is being made little by little.

As I approached motherhood with Harrison, I definitely fell into the category of unsure about breastfeeding, but concluded that I should try it since it was deemed to be “best” for the baby.

That journey with him was depleting to my very core. On top of dealing with undiagnosed and untreated postpartum depression, I struggled mightily to figure out breastfeeding. I had taken the classes, and I thought I was prepared, but I truly wasn’t. We struggled with latching correctly, the lactation consultant at the hospital gave us a nipple shield. It got very quickly to the point where he refused to nurse on one side without the shield, and I truly hated it. While he struggled to get enough food at the hospital and his early days at home, I was pumping after each breastfeeding session and then feeding him through a small syringe to try to get more calories into him. It was depleting, exhausting, and awful for my mental health.

Perhaps more shocking, I thought that this was just what motherhood was truly.

It wasn’t until he was a couple of weeks old that our pediatrician gave us the name of a lactation consultant that would come to our house to help work with me on training him off of the shield and attempting to fix his latch issues. I wish I had had this resource lined up for as soon as I came home from the hospital. It changed everything for my breastfeeding journey with Harrison and all of the babies after him.

I worked hard to train Harrison to nurse without the nipple shield. Again, it was sooo hard to get him to drop it after he had gotten used to it. I vowed to never use one again with any future pregnancy because this retraining was so depleting for me. But eventually, we got there.

We cruised along until four months, and his weight percentile dropped. I was asked to start supplementing him with formula, and I felt like a failure. By six months, when I returned to work, my supply dropped to almost nothing with all of the pumping, and by seven months I had given up on my breastfeeding journey with Harrison. I remember being very upset about it, because it wasn’t my choice. I felt like my body had just failed me – it just quit producing. And so that breastfeeding journey ended.

Jonathan’s journey was different. I was more confident. I knew how a good latch should feel, what the placement should look like, and it showed. He was an amazing nurser from the beginning. We sailed through his first year, and while my supply dropped again when I went back to work, I had enough of a stash and a proficient enough feeder that we were able to keep him on breast milk with a little bit of supplementing with formula for weight gain for his entire first year. I felt lucky and accomplished to have made it so long with him.

Aidan was a mix in between Harrison and Jonathan. He wasn’t an automatic great nurser. But again, I had two breastfed babies under my belt, and I felt confident. I’ve found myself considering my own needs and mental health more this time around. My attitude with breastfeeding this time around has been more of a “if it works, that’s great. If it doesn’t, he’ll be fine.” And for the most part, that has served us well. There’s been more chaos in this newborn haze. The world wasn’t stopped because of COVID this time around – there were still kids activities, two screaming and wrestling brothers that never seem to miss a chance to be the absolute most chaotic while I’m trying to nurse.

Since going back to work, though, I’ve gotten well acquainted with my pump yet again. I hated pumping. Everything about it. Over three pregnancies, though, I’ve upgraded my pump each time. It started with a “has to be plugged into the wall” pump. Absolutely hated the thing. I upgraded to Spectra S2 with Jonathan. It came with a rechargable battery, so I didn’t have to be connected to a wall plus. It felt like an absolute dream compared to the first pump, but I was still rather restrcted from doing anything but sitting or standing in one place while pumping because of the big motor.

And this time around, after hemming and hawing over the price tag, I splurged for a wearable pump and got a gently used Elvie. (I just couldn’t bring myself to pay full price!) But truly, I think it would have been worth full price. It’s completely changed how I felt about pumping. Easy, comfortable, and I can walk around and do chores while I pump. And no dang pumping bra needed.

I guess this is a bit of a chronicle through my journey of this phase of motherhood. And it’s swiftly coming to an end, as we’ll stop nursing over the next couple of months.

If I were talking to a girlfriend about to become a new mom, I guess this is what I would say about breastfeeding:

• I wish someone had normalized earlier supplementing for babies. This idea that I could potentially choose to feed my baby in two different ways has changed my outlook on our journey together. That I could potentially choose to not be the 100% provider of his food is freeing. And maybe potentially the best of both worlds.
• Find a lactation consultant that will come to your house after you come home from the hospital BEFORE the baby is born. And just anticipate paying for at least one visit. Especially if you’re committed to trying breastfeeding.
• That wearable pump is amazing. If you have the means, upgrade to the wearable pump.
• And most basically, you’re not a failure if you don’t want to breastfeed. And you’re not a failure if breastfeeding just doesn’t work. That baby is going to thrive – boob milk or not. You’re going to be a great mom, and it has nothing to do with how your baby is fed.